


How do you know?

by JustALeo



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Character Study, I was having a bad time so I decided projecting onto sylvain would help, i love him I swear, ish??????
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-27
Updated: 2020-07-27
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:47:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25546915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JustALeo/pseuds/JustALeo
Summary: I really projected onto sylvain so.....ahaha?
Kudos: 2





	How do you know?

**Author's Note:**

> I just really like Sylvain a lot, and I can relate to him on a lot of things. I use intimacy, platonic and non-platonically, as a way of escaping my problems. Is it healthy? absolutely not. Am I trying to break this habit? A little. Anyway have a look at this.

Sylvain is sad. He knows this, but no one else does. He gets to thinking, and nothing good ever comes from that. It begins like this.

How do you know who you are? How do you look beyond the mask that you have crafted to find the person you never had the chance to be? How do you cry when all your life you’ve been told that tears don’t solve anything? How do you ask for help when all you’ve ever done is help other people? 

All I have ever done is ignore myself in favor of others, who seem more worthy of the love and care they deserve. If i’m not helping someone, where does my worth lie? Every photo, every video, every recording shows how inept I am at connecting with people. What if they just want to use me? What if they just want to hurt me? What if this is all some cruel joke and they’re all just waiting to pull the rug out from under me? Whatifwhatifwhatifwhatif? These thoughts crawl around my mind every second, of every hour, of every day. If I were to one day disappear, to simply vanish, and never return, would anyone notice, and if they noticed, would they care? I need the attention. The weight of people's eyes on me, the sound of my name on their lips, my voice echoing in their mind, this is what gives me purpose. What helps me exist in this world.

The warmth of another person, whether it be from something as innocent as a hug or something as scorned as intimacy, makes me feel like I am wanted. Once they’re gone i’m left feeling dirty, like i’ve made it too easy, like i’ve made myself too easy to hold in their palm and crush. A kiss on the lips with your eyes closed leaves you vulnerable to all the lies and hesitations you cannot see. Every kiss must be with your eyes open, even if theirs are closed. To be desired by people, to be used, is what gives me fire. It gives me reason to move on to tomorrow, because if one person still needs me, I still hold worth, right?

No one sees me unless I dance how they want me to. If I try to resist the strings around my limbs, my heart, my voice, I am tossed aside and left to piece myself back together again. If I told anyone how I feel, if I told them the silence of my room, being the last friend to be chosen, and the emptiness of my shell are all things that make me wish I had never taken the breath that brought me into this world, what would they say? Would they hug me? Would they tell me they’re here for me? Or would they move on from it? Would they wait till someone else said something so they can pretend I had never said anything at all? Do they know that everyday I feel as if my meaning is lost? How can they know what I don’t want them to?

Then I realise I am a monster. Who am I to tell them how they should handle me? A beast does not decide how it will be tamed, it is simply tamed. How can I ask them to care for a person who doesn’t even exist? How can I ask them to care for the person I am when all they know is the puppet I have made that wears my face and my voice, but consumes my soul and my heart? I am a selfish thing. A void that sucks all the color from peoples lives, a void that should be left alone, where I can do no harm to anyone but myself.

Sylvain feels tired. He should sleep. He lays down for bed. He doesn’t sleep. He sees the sun. He sighs, with a broken sound escaping, and gets ready for another day.


End file.
